"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."
~Prov 3:5-6~
We have something new available to us through our health insurance--health coaching sessions. At first, I was completely uninterested in this, but I decided the reward points my employer offers for participating in them is worth it to shop in our on-line store! My interests were completely unrelated to health- they're related to a new purse!
But you know God always has a bigger agenda than my little brain. So goes the story. . .
After health coach Carl & I had discussed my diet, cooking for my family, my level of physical activity (or the lack there of), his next question was very nurse-appropriate type question (you know we nurses like measurable answers.)He asked, "On a scale of 1-10, what is your stress level?" I've never been asked this before, and I was pretty impressed that he did! After some quite thought, I responded,"4". . .
Health coach Carl went on to comment, "Well, that's not too bad, could be a little better, but not too bad." We went on to name the healthy things I already do every day to combat stress- stay active, exercise some, involved in church / community, watch movies with my family to relax, daily prayer & devotion time. . .
As Carl continued to talk, his words became distant. My mind realized a very important fact: my stress level has not been below "level 4" in 3 years. Sometimes its a 6 or 7, maybe more in extreme cases, but never below a 4. Its like sitting in your car, gear stick in park, with your foot still on the accelerator at all times, motor slightly reved up, RPM gage showing about 3-4, hands gripping tightly to the steering wheel, muscles tense, constant adrenolin flow.
So, now the deeper question- Why? This is not me! I used to exist on a level 1-2, and it took a major crises to shake me up, & certainly never the ordinary days routine. I hung up the phone from that coaching conference call with my heart stirred.
Later as I wrote in my prayer journal, I was talking to God about it. Then I wrote these words," I used to just know, I mean JUST KNOW " . . .At that moment He poured out His spirit over my head like a pitcher of water. I used to "just know" that everything was going to be ok in the end. I used to have a child-like faith, & believe that no matter what came, the end would be good, because God was in control, because He always has a plan for my life, because He wants to bless me with good. But some where 3years ago when I began to live through the unthinkable, when the unimaginable became reality, I some how lost confidence in happy endings, I lost assurance in safe landings.
At this moment, covered by God's sweet presence, He spoke in my heart this scripture from Proverbs. He whispered to my spirit, "Kristie, you used to trust me deeper than you do now."
I've often said the thing I miss most in my life over the last 3 years is "me". I miss the pre-divorce, pre-sons open heart surgery, pre- job change,"me". The me that rested, relaxed & enjoyed life, without fear. Most of this time I was convinced that when my circumstances change, then I'll relax & be myself again. But the deeper issue is not circumstancial, its trust. . . Total uninhibited, without reservation, stick your hair in a ponytail/ kick your shoes off & stay a while trust.
I'm so proud of all the layers of healing God has done within me up to this point. Now its time to give Him the final pieces. I can be me right now, by finding myself deeper within The Father. I don't have to wait longer.
No matter what comes, it will be ok, I will be ok. Whatever comes, He will strengthen me through it. And I do not have to lose my mind in the process. If He removes something from my life, He will replace it with something better. Even death is only a temporary separation for children of God
Time to get my foot off the accelerator & be me again. I do not have to constantly drive my life. Thats God's job. I'm just along for the ride. I can trust Him with the destination. And when God decides its time to change my circumstances, I wana be myself to receive it!
